i'm sorry, amira

...
..
.

"Let it go, honey. it's time."





...with tears running down her cheeks, she pulls the plug.





i've been ignoring the signs for far too long.

one morning stand

it was supposed to be a 'one night stand', but it wasn't at night. so...


here how the story goes. pada suatu hari, accurately hari rabu yg lepas, i went to metro seperti biasa. kena buat 3 jam amali, which was basically the last step before getting an L (lesen 'L' i mean).so seperti biasa pakcik yg mengajar tu (i call him pakcik because everybody does) asked me to sit at the driver's seat and taught me a few basic stuff. betulkan cermin, check signals, pengenalan kepada pedals - clutch, minyak, break etc etc. i wasn't supposed to drive it yet, sebab belum dpt lesen, tapi pakcik tu agak baik hati bagi round2 around the metro sekejap. sbb tak ramai sgt org, it was 8 something o'clock in the morning - gile awal.


so i got to drive the car dlm 2 round je. it was my first attempt in driving a manual. best jgk, my first reaction was, 'lah mcm ni je ke bwk. senang je..' hehe, biasa lah, newbies. ckp besar skrg, nnti menangis. anyway, lps dah round2 tu, pakcik got a phone call from his other student. student dia tu dah sampai. pakcik asked the student to take the wheel and order me to sit next to him (yes, the student was a he, hehe). the student dah belajar lama dah, so he knows how to drive and dia tgh practice utk test JPJ utk lesen P. so pakcik tu suruh tgk mcmane the student drives and maybe the student can teach me a thing or two sbb i have 3 whole hours and there's nothing else for me to do. so mcm 3 jam amali tu utk membazir masa je la, sbb basic semua dah ajar.


lepas tu pakcik tu pun tinggalkan kami berdua and pergi bersembang2 dgn kwn2 dia. dia sempat berpesan "ala sama baya je ni, dua2 lepas SPM". dlm hati i was like 'haha, lawak pakcik, lawak.' tinggallah kami berdua di dalam kereta in awkwardness (at least i was). the student tu pun started driving the car around the metro circuit - alone, with me. utk driving test, ada 3 parts yg perlu lulus - bukit, parking, and 3 point turn. so the student bwk kereta around these 3 parts je la.


dlm beberapa minit yg pertama after he started driving, dia tanya la soalan2 basic utk break the ice like 'dah berapa lama start belajar driving?, so mcmane SPM?, ambik course ape? etc etc'. to tell the truth, i wasn't actually in a 'conversation mood'. did i mention it was around 8.30 a.m? i am not a morning person. rasa mcm awal gile utk bersembang2 dgn org. my brain wasn't really fully functioning yet. but i didn't wanna be rude, i answered anyway. dia tanya sepatah, jawab sepatah. mesti dia rasa i'm dull, but whatever.


the 3 parts for the test kan sikit. lepas dah hbs, kena ulang balik. so kene ulang, ulang, ulang byk kali so kene pusing, pusing, pusing around the circuit. ulang benda yg sama sampai dah boring dah. lepas beberapa round, i started to realise berapa lama lg ni? takkan nak ddk senyap je. so i took some initiative to start a real conversation. i asked some basic info about him. here are the things i remember- tinggal kat subang jaya, sub-science student, so yeah, benda2 biasa je lah. but the weird thing is, after a while, i realised yg dia actually handsome. hahaha ngeng kan? dah lama baru nak perasan. sbb time awal2 tu takde perasaan sgt, tak really observe his face. dia boleh tahan la, he's cute when he smiles.=D hahahaha


anyway......we started talking and the awkwardness slowly disappeared. dah berapa kali pusing dah, kat tempat yg sama - bukit, parking, 3 point turn, bukit, parking, 3 point turn. so byk benda dpt disembangkan. pakcik tu pun mcm buat tak kisah je, tak suruh berhenti pun. the student was pretty cool, selamba je ckp apa dia nak. kinda fun bercakap dgn dia. we laughed here and there. the radio was on, and then keluar lagu bunkface and he quickly changed the station. then dia tanya "suka bunkface tak?". i was pretty hesitant and said "tak....?". he said "bagus, jgn suka. bunkface tu loser ah. jgn suka loser." i laughed and agreed. aw, this is my kind of guy, cause i hate bunkface and he's on my side. i thought everyone likes bunkface.


anyway, kami bercakap tentang byk lg benda. normal stuff, but sounded fascinating when talking to him. tiba2 i remembered something. a few weeks ago, my very first day coming to metro, pakcik tu dtg ambik kat rmh. tapi bkn pakcik tu yg drive, ada student dia yg bwk kereta. pakcik tu ddk sebelah observing. it was my first day, i didn't know anything, mcm takut2 sikit. what i remembered was, student yg tgh drive tu was him! i asked him, and he said oh yeah, ha'ah. he said, before reaching my house, pakcik tu ada tell him some info about my father, dia kerja apa and etc. apasal tiba2 pakcik tu nak cerita? apalah pakcik ni. -_- so dah alang2 tgh ckp psl tu, dia pun tanya la more about my father. and i told him.


but anyway, we drove around for almost 2 hours. perasan tak yg i didn't state his name? because i didn't know. hahah. sembang punya la lama tp tak tanya nama. and he didn't know mine either. i was stuck in a car (for 2 hours) with a stranger yg dah tau a lot about me, he even knows where my house is, and we talked about my father but he still didn't know my name. i mean, who talks about their father with a person they just met?? weird. but luckily setelah 1000 kali kot pusing2 kat circuit tu, he was getting tired and wanted to take a break. sbb driving ni memenatkan rupanya. so he grabbed his phone and called pakcik tu "hello pakcik, ni amirul ni". so finally, i found out his name. alaaa, i was bummed. kenapa nama dia amirul? tak sesuai la mcmni. pernah ke ada couple yg nama diorang sama? tak pernah jumpa pun. amira and amirul... whaat?? freaky gile.


anyway, lepas tu pakcik tu dtg and suruh pegi rehat kejap, pegi toilet ke, kantin ke. i went to the toilet and when i came out, they were gone. pakcik tu bwk dia drive luar metro, pegi jalan raya. pakcik tu called me and said "tunggu kejap eh, pakcik ajar dia ni jap pastu hantar dia balik. nanti pakcik dtg balik". then i thought to myself, he said his test was next week. kalau dia pass test tu, dia dpt P so habis dah la. and this is my last class before getting an L. nak tunggu lesen L siap lama, so i won't be coming back here in about 2 weeks.



so i sit there waiting and that was it. that was the last time i will be seeing him. takkan jumpa dah sampai bila2. i had a great time but i didn't have a chance to say goodbye (hahaha) so that was how i had a 'one morning stand'. and the worst part was, he didn't even know my name...




how tragic

triple standard

there's three sides of me. 1 is saying

can you eat less?
can you waste less?
can you judge less?
can you dream less?
can you hope less?
can you miss less?
can you love less?

2 is saying "kenapa tak?"
1 is saying "sebab susah"

3 is saying "siapa less?"

don't ask why

*dedicated to dini =)

the term forever and always is crap. take my word for it. don't be so immature by thinking anything will last forever. the term doesn't even apply in true love. let me tell you why.

because today she might be your best friend, the bff you oh so love. but tomorrow you'll grow up and go to different schools and colleges and you'll meet new friends and make new best friends, and so would she. and the next thing you know, you'll be calling each other asking "how you've been?" and maybe you'll meet up again somewhere and it will get awkward again, like meeting someone new.

or because today he might be your boyfriend and you might think he's the one. but tomorrow he'll go on a vacation with his family and he'll meet this other girl and they'll start hanging out and he'll realise that he's actually falling for her and thinks she's the one for him. it's not his fault though, as you can't help who you fall for.

or because today she's the only daughter you have and you thought she'll always be your little girl who'll come crying to you when she falls off her bike or come running to you to tell you a joke. but tomorrow she'll grow up as any other teenager and soon she becomes rebellious and says she hates you from time to time.

or because today you might be the perfect wife married to the perfect husband. you got everything you could ever hope for and more from a marriage. clearly both of you will have the perfect family with the perfect children and the perfect house and the perfect love. but tomorrow you're gonna die and leave him alone when the children are married and have their own perfect family. and after a long, long time of grieving he'll remarry with the old schoolmate he met at his reunion and he'll live happily with her until the end of their lives.

so who are you going to blame? whose fault is it? let me tell you who, it's the forever's fault. it should never be in your life, in our lives. forever is a myth, a fairytale. and fairytales are for children, so mature up and step into reality. relationship is a journey, it's a battle. you fight to keep it strong every single day. there's two sides in every relationship and they meet each other halfway. you can't put decisions in the hands of forever and expect things to turn out okay - because it won't.

if you ask me do i believe in soulmates? i'd say no... i don't. at least not right now. i do believe in jodoh and all that. there is a person for each and everyone. but soulmates are just too... uh i don't know, mythical. because it makes you believe that that one person is for you, and going to stay with you forever, regardless. let's say you've already found your 'soulmate' and you're married to him/her. i dare you to ignore them for a few months and see what happens. they are not gonna come crawling back to you, that's for sure. because there is no effort to keep the bond.

it takes hard work and baby steps, everyday. don't just jump to forever. they say, don't make promises you can't keep. be grateful and cherish the life you have today because you don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring. if something doesn't turn out the way you wanted, if something doesn't stay forever, it's not anybody's fault. it's life. tough love, deal with it. try again later.

ps : i miss essays.

annoyed

every night before i sleep, i close my eyes and wish you wouldn't appear in my dreams.









for most of the times...it never came true.

blogger-ing

i never understood why people write blogs - normal people i mean, not those who want to advertise their writings.because i thought you write blogs to express your feelings, to write about the things you wouldn't say out loud. kinda like your diary. so why would you let other people read your diary? why would you wanna let them judge your opinions? worse of all, why would you wanna publish your life? i used to think bloggers are suckers who don't have any life other than sit in front of the computer and and write about their lives. (sorry peeps, no offense =D) but i know now, it's more than that, a lot more. I've broadened my horizon.

so here i am writing my first post at 5.50 a.m, because i can't sleep and i got nothing else to do. i guess I'm one of you suckers now.-_-