HAHAHA!

i was cleaning my room the other day. books, clothes, everything was everywhere. as i was rearranging them all, i picked up my old school bag pack. i used the bag almost 3 years ago. hardly ever touched it since. i thought "what the hey, let's clean the inside of the bag too". i opened every zip, took out every rubbish i left in there. as i thought i was done, i saw there was a hidden pocket inside.

"that's weird. never knew it existed. a pocket inside a pocket, that's funny". i opened it, and there it was - a white paper folded neatly. looked like a letter. filled with curiousity, i unfolded it gently and read it. the letter dated ?/3/2007 and at the bottom, it was signed by you.

right after i finish reading it, i felt like crying, smiling, jumping, my heart was racing. but instead, all i did was screamed, "WHAAAAAT?!". without hesitation, i grabbed my sweater, stepped out and ran to your house. yes.. i ran. i didn't grabbed the phone to call you, or wait till tomorrow, but i ran to your house at 10 pm at night.

as i reached your house, i knocked on the door. after 3 knocks, you opened. with a surprise look on your face, as if to say 'what are you doing here? why are you all sweaty?' you just kept quiet and look at me. with my eyes almost crying, i showed you the letter. your face changed immediately, as if to say 'oh'. without any real dialogue between us, without anyone saying anything, the first thing that came out of my mouth was...

... "if it's any consolation, if i have found this three years ago, on the right time and day, i would have said...












... 'i love you too'..".

the other side of a cynic

i told you i hate rejection. i can't handle it. i don't know how.

whether rejecting or being rejected, it just fell out of my expertise. an incident involving rejection just happened to me recently (30 minutes ago to be exact), and now i'm a mess. rasa mcm nak nangis pun ada tp nasib baik i hear myself saying 'apahal nak nangis pulak tiba2? ngeng'. so, air mata tak jadi nak keluar. i need to get myself together. mcm mana nak berjaya dlm hidup ni? hish.

now i know, i have a fear of rejection. it's a phobia. it's like an illness. is there a scientific name for it?




ps : i'm sooooooo sorry. very very. :(



oh yeah, by the way, i wasn't rejected. i was rejecting.

Alhamdulillah

perghh. tak pernah pernah aku menangis depan org, tiba2 tadi boleh nangis sampai tersedu-sedu pulak. lek je. tapi that was exactly how i felt, nak tahan mcm mana. mesti org nampak org ingat aku tgh gembira. lek je org datang peluk peluk aku ckp congrats senyum senyum. hati aku tgh hancur lebur mereka boleh senyum pulak. takpe, mereka tidak tahu.

ataupun mesti org nampak org ingat 'ape budak ni, dapat result bagus pun nak nangis, gedik gile'. i'm sorry to the people who weren't as fortunate as me to see me like that. aku ada expectations aku sendiri, ada aim aku sendiri. it didn't go the way i wanted. seperti kata baem 'kau, kau. aku, aku.'

tapi aku tetap bersyukur. Alhamdulillah. banyak surprises ada dlm slip aku tu. the ones i wanted to be high, turned low. and the ones i expected to be low, went high. oh akaun ku, i love you.. but i will never attempt to learn you anymore. i literally went crazy struggling with akaun. gile dog aku cakap. and now, it pays. from fail to A... (dah lama teringin nak ckp mcmtu)

i don't regret anything, not even one bit. kalau aku boleh patah balik masa, buat balik spm, i wouldn't change a thing. aku berpuas hati dgn semua usaha aku. sgt berpuas hati. takpelah, kalau dah ini yg ditakdirkan untuk aku, aku terima. (well, maybe not yet) kalau dah setiap minit air mata rasa mcm nak keluar, nak buat mcm mana. i can't lie to myself. sekarang aku nak habiskan dulu kesedihan. maybe esok esok nanti baru aku boleh terima la kot.

i expect nothing less than the best from myself. gile cakap besar, kan. takpe.. kau, kau. aku, aku.


8A's Alhamdulillah

i said, dance! you fool

okay birthday dah lepas. hihi

it was as expected. nothing much. tapi yg peliknya yesterday i was extra moody, extra angry, extra gloomy, extra somber, apa lagi adjective yg negative? aku bangun extra early, tapi lepastu tidur balik then bangun balik extra lambat. bengong. i tried to act normal, try to treat it like it was like any other day, tapi tak boleh gak. mesti nak extra jgk. apahal tah. bermasalah dgn diri sendiri.

tapi nasib baik the last few hours before the day ended aku mcm dah normal sikit. mcm a werewolf yg nak turn into a human balik, slowly but surely. and then today i am healed, completely. tiba tiba je harini dah okay. like i said, it was the day that made me like that. kalau hari semalam tak ber-title 'hari jadi' mesti aku tak mcmtu. haih. birthday, birthday.. can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

anyway. dear birthday, you didn't work this year. sorry. try again later, okay? next year maybe?




ps : i know these last two posts have been weird. yg before this was extra weird. i don't usually write like that, i never in fact. sorry, amira. i was influenced by other bloggers out there. thought i might try. turn out to be funny. it was a one time thing. i swear.

apa itu lapan belas?

birthday dah nak dekat. haih

serious, aku takde semangat untuk celebrate ataupun untuk excited. tak tau kenapa. apa masalah aku? kalau tahun tahun lepas, sebulan sebelum tu aku dah countdown hari dah. 2 bulan sebelum pun penah kot. walaupun takde la apa yg best pun jadi time birthday tu. tapi entah la, birthdays used to be important to me, i'm a sentimental sucker. i'm not kidding you.

baru tadi kwn aku tanya sesuatu pasal hari ahad ni. pastu dgn selambanya aku tanya balik 'kenapa dgn hari ahad?'. serious doh aku tak terfikir pun dia tgh cakap psl birthday aku. lepas dah realised aku terkejut dgn diri sendiri. takkan pernah terjadi mcmni kalau tahun tahun lepas. aku tak ingat birthday aku sendiri? what? ok, bukanla tak ingat, cuma tak masuk otak sgt.

ada beberapa sebab yg mungkin menyebabkan perkara ini berlaku. iaitu:
1 aku takut untuk grow up. rasa mcm 18 tu terlalu besar digitnya. terlalu byk responsibility. i want to stay kid-dish.
2 sekolah dah habis. rindu suasana riang ria ramai org di pagi birthday. ataupun hari selepas birthday. whatever works. rindu boleh act gila gila and have a smile all day.
3 and the biggest reason of all... last year was the best birthday...ever?

last year. sedih bila teringat. nothing can beat that. and i mean NOTHING. kalau aku bagitau apa yg best sgt tu mesti org tergelak. org akan cakap 'huh? apa tu? tak best pun'. yes, takde apa pun yg perlu di-hype-kan. cuma aku rasa best. it was perfect, in my own way. perfect gift, perfect weather, perfect week, perfect way to start, perfect way to end, etc etc.

so maybe aku takut this year is going to disappoint. sebab aku tau it will. tu la, last year dah meletakkan standard too high. tahun lain tak boleh nak beat. jangan la datang, birthday. jangan laa. boleh tak dunia skip satu hari? sabtu... tiba2 dah hari isnin. kan best?

haih. apa nak jadi ni? *suara ibu sedang memarahi anaknya*

tapi takpe, i'm hoping for a miracle. tiba2 birthday tahun ni jadi da bomb. haha, lawak pulak memikirkannya. takkan, amira, takkan.
jauh dlm hati (jauh sesangat sangat jauhnya), aku masih mengharap.



ps: birthday aku 7 mac, hari ahad akan datang. hari ni hari jumaat. sangat 'joyous' cara aku menunggunya. ok thanks.