the one significant sentence i could ever say to myself or to any other,
the only thing that can hit me like no other things i've said ever did,
the only words i can let out when no other words i can imagine would be enough,
the sentence i express only when it truly came from the core of my heart,
is

I'll try harder.

Love

i went to the hospital yesterday to undergo a surgery. surgery apa jgn tanya. jgn risau, minor surgery je, no biggie. hospital tu nama dia University Hospital, Kuala Lumpur. tapi yg peliknya bukan dia dekat Petaling Jaya ke? Petaling Jaya tu KL ke? ok soalan bangang, let's move on.

i'm not very familiar with hospitals, to tell you the truth. i can't even remember the last time i went to one. all i know was the last time i had a surgery was when i was six years old, when i broke my arm. even then, i was too young to remember anything. so when i went there yesterday, i was in awe. selama ni tgk hospital dlm tv je, dlm grey's anatomy and house. i was excited to see all those different departments. ada mcm2 jenis clinic - pediatric, gynecology, orthopedic, psychiatric (this is a scary one). i know i sound insane, mcm org batak gile. but looking at the surroundings, the people, the life, i fell in love. actually i was in love dah lama dah, i've been going to checkups since May. but yesterday, i fell deeper.

before the surgery, the nurse had to stick a needle at the back of my hand for the fluids and anesthesia. i remember thinking 'besarnya jarum, boleh ke cucuk. mesti kena tonyoh- tonyoh ni'. but nasib baik tak, relax je dia cucuk. sakit la jugak, but not bad. i was so fascinated, i actually watched the needle going under my skin into my vein. then it was time to go to the operating room. as i walked in, there was the operating table, all the machines, i was like 'whoa cool, mcm grey's anatomy!' and in there, there was two medic students waiting to observe the procedure. diorang mcm budak2 takut2 je. rasa nak je cakap 'apasal la takut2? korang nak jadi doktor lah. confident la sikit' (cey cey).

so i was lying there, wearing an oxygen mask, my body filled with wires. i was breathing pure oxygen.. so refreshing. then doktor bius tu pun inject the anesthesia at the back of my hand. dia cakap 'ni sakit sikit, tahan eh'. so yeah, memang sakit pun, but nothing that i can't handle. i literally can feel it running trough my veins. and the next thing i know, i was asleep. tak perasan pun bila i closed my eyes. i was actually hoping for kalau jadi mcm dlm movie 'Awake', tiba2 terjaga tengah2 surgery. haha. but unfortunately, it didn't happen. i was sound asleep. siap mimpi lagi, tapi tak ingat pulak mimpi apa. best gila tidur dlm bius. pastu about one hour later, the nurse woke me up. for a split second there, i didn't remember where i was. after my brain gain function, baru la teringat oh, baru habis surgery. i opened my eyes and rasa penat gila. i was wondering mcm ni ke perasannya bila tgh high. rasa terhuyung-hayang. rasa mcm dah bangun, tapi tak boleh bukak mata. mcm baru bangun tidur, tapi mengantuk lagi. oh and, sejuk nak mampos! menggigil rasanya. i think the anesthesia kot yg buat rasa mcm tu. plus the air-cond lagi.

after a while, the anesthesia wore off. rasa nak tidur lagi, tapi tak boleh dah. kenapa la dia kejut tadi, nak tidur dah tak best dah. so i just lie in bed waiting to be less loopy so i could go home. after seven hours at the hospital, i was ready to go. i walked through the hospital, and it was lunch time. and nama pun university hospital, so ramai la students berkeliaran. how to know if they're students? mereka akan pakai lab coat dan pakai bag sambil pegang buku. and then i see doctors with different colours of stethoscope. ada stethoscope warna pink! oh, and ada Secret Recipe dalam hospital. lek je. ramai pulak tu org makan kat situ - of course, hospital kan penuh dengan orang kaya.

it was nice to actually see the idea of myself becoming one of those doctors walking around. now my ambition will not be because of watching house and grey's anatomy anymore, but because i lived through it. i'll be back in six years, and not be the one on the operating table. i have to write this down so that when the time comes and it gets rough where i'll probably want to give up... i'll be reminded of this day - the day when i realised i belong at the hospital.






ps : the incision of the surgery is still in bandage. i can't wait to open it and see the stitches.

hmm

dah lama dah tak update blog.
ok lah, bye.

old age

you wanna know what causes stress? LIFE. the one thing that is on my mind right now is money. isn't it just sad to live in a world knowing everything you do or have accomplished are determined by how much money you have. being smart is not enough, being healthy is not enough, being you is not enough. yes, you can say having lots of money doesn't guarantee happiness, and that you can live out of love, you can start a successful business and be Donald Trump from having nothing and bla bla. but those people are like what, the 10% of the world population?... what if you fall in that other 90?

how many students drop out of college from shortage of money? sorry i don't have the statistics here, but i'm guessing, a lot. doesn't it break your heart to know the only thing that stands in your way between you and success is money? with economy like this, the living expenses, you wouldn't survive even if you're a genius. there are so many smart people out there. you're just a needle in a hay stack.

doesn't it bother you that the future generation will be worse? my teenage children will have to worry about the same thing i am thinking now. i guess this is why i hate growing up. there's so much things to think about. i'm not even working yet, and my head already filled with money problems. i'm not even enrolled into college yet for that matter. money sounds too grown up for me. i don't think i'm ready.

if i could have one wish, i wish i could go back in time. not to undo things, not to fix any problems... but to just enjoy life. i would go back in time when i was 5 years old or so, when i don't know how to count money, when i have nothing on my mind, when i look up the sky... i'm amazed how birds could fly.

oh, come on!

i knew i'll never hear the end of it. that's why i knew i shouldn't be thrilled. it wasn't enough, i know. i can't be mad, i don't regret. i'm just... stupefied. whatever that means.

but when i look at them, all of them, i just wanna say i'm sorry... but i'm not. it's what it is, i refuse to feel guilty.

so err, i'm sorry i'm not sorry...?

ps : today would probably be the fifth, or sixth time i eat one of these, in my life.
yes, i counted. so what?

i call it idiocrasy

lately, i haven't had any lovey-dovey feeling left in me. zero. nothing. i'm at the highest level of cynicism right now. anything that resembles love, grosses me out.

when watching romantics movies, i used to smile the whole way and i'll say 'awww' at the end of it when they live happily ever after. and if they don't, i'll be sympathetic and probably cry over it.
but now, when i'm watching, i'll have this look -_- throughout the movie and when it's finished i'll say 'tu je ke? ek eleh'.

i'm not a fan of love songs anymore. i used to listen tentatively and go deep into the lyrics, and imagine the songs were written based on my life. now, i listen to the music in the background rather than the lyrics. i'm focused more on the piano or the guitar or the drums or the strings than the singer itself. for lyrics that i listened to, most of the time i'll say 'heh, takde la best sangat'.

if i hear people tell stories about their love life, how they miss or love their significant other, i'll have this smirk face in my heart and have this kind of choked laugh and say 'haha, kids nowadays'. or if i read somewhere, a blog for instance, that talk about these touchy-feely stuff, i would be reading with this face -_- and say 'eww, apahal gedik sangat?'

but of course, my cynicism is only in my head. i don't go around telling people how idiotic they sound to their faces. am i maturing?... to the state where i can say 'they're young, they'll learn'? or am i going backwards?... to when a little kid hears the word love, she just wanna say 'yuckk'?

what the fret is wrong with me? i'm enjoying this for now... but i'm sure someday i'll miss the-more-vulnerable me.



.

Just when you thought.

Life is actually pretty funny, when you give it a chance.
In fact, I'm laughing right now, in my heart.
I know you can't remain happy for too long, or you might jinx it.

But can I just enjoy it while it lasts? please?





ps : thank you.