*insert laughing emoticon

i miss them.

sometimes i can be this crazy

i wanna wish you a very happy birthday. and may your next birthday mean something to me too.
hihi *wink wink nudge nudge

hahahaha

hello

i can see someone keep coming to my blog.
hi there.
apa kata leave a comment once in a while?
thank you for reading.

20:10.20.10.2010

on 20.10.2010, around pukul 20:10 (betul, tak tipu. actually tak ingat exactly pukul berapa. tapi lebih kurang la)




at 20:10 on 20.10.2010, i shed tears for the first time since i've been here. and i've been here for exactly one month and a day. and no, it wasn't planned. at all.





i thought i could last longer than a month, but i guess i'm not that strong after all. sebelum ni selamba je, takde feeling langsung. tiba2 boom! and i blame the internet. rasanya kalau i kena campak kat deserted island for years without any connection pun boleh bertahan kot. technologies can be detrimental.




tapi takpe, the tears showed that i'm still human. not the cynical-dead inside-robot i'd always thought i was. though it did take some time, i'm glad to know that i'm still fragile.





please don't tell me you miss me. because of course, i miss you ten times more.

Despite

despite that i'm far away from home,
despite that i'm surrounded by the the people and the things that aren't 'me',
despite that i've gained weight (a lot),
despite that i got bitten by insects sampai my skin berbintik2 byk gile kalah chicken pox,
despite that i'm slightly intimidated by other people's way of studying,
despite the fact that the guy i have a crush on still doesn't know i exist,
despite that this place is not as what i imagined,
despite that i'm surrounded by smelly garbage everywhere,
despite that i'm on the verge of dehydration,
despite that i miss everything back home,
despite that sometimes i even miss myself,


as of this moment right now, i am happy.
because despite every terrible thing that occured, there are much greater things that came along with them.



.

the one significant sentence i could ever say to myself or to any other,
the only thing that can hit me like no other things i've said ever did,
the only words i can let out when no other words i can imagine would be enough,
the sentence i express only when it truly came from the core of my heart,
is

I'll try harder.

Love

i went to the hospital yesterday to undergo a surgery. surgery apa jgn tanya. jgn risau, minor surgery je, no biggie. hospital tu nama dia University Hospital, Kuala Lumpur. tapi yg peliknya bukan dia dekat Petaling Jaya ke? Petaling Jaya tu KL ke? ok soalan bangang, let's move on.

i'm not very familiar with hospitals, to tell you the truth. i can't even remember the last time i went to one. all i know was the last time i had a surgery was when i was six years old, when i broke my arm. even then, i was too young to remember anything. so when i went there yesterday, i was in awe. selama ni tgk hospital dlm tv je, dlm grey's anatomy and house. i was excited to see all those different departments. ada mcm2 jenis clinic - pediatric, gynecology, orthopedic, psychiatric (this is a scary one). i know i sound insane, mcm org batak gile. but looking at the surroundings, the people, the life, i fell in love. actually i was in love dah lama dah, i've been going to checkups since May. but yesterday, i fell deeper.

before the surgery, the nurse had to stick a needle at the back of my hand for the fluids and anesthesia. i remember thinking 'besarnya jarum, boleh ke cucuk. mesti kena tonyoh- tonyoh ni'. but nasib baik tak, relax je dia cucuk. sakit la jugak, but not bad. i was so fascinated, i actually watched the needle going under my skin into my vein. then it was time to go to the operating room. as i walked in, there was the operating table, all the machines, i was like 'whoa cool, mcm grey's anatomy!' and in there, there was two medic students waiting to observe the procedure. diorang mcm budak2 takut2 je. rasa nak je cakap 'apasal la takut2? korang nak jadi doktor lah. confident la sikit' (cey cey).

so i was lying there, wearing an oxygen mask, my body filled with wires. i was breathing pure oxygen.. so refreshing. then doktor bius tu pun inject the anesthesia at the back of my hand. dia cakap 'ni sakit sikit, tahan eh'. so yeah, memang sakit pun, but nothing that i can't handle. i literally can feel it running trough my veins. and the next thing i know, i was asleep. tak perasan pun bila i closed my eyes. i was actually hoping for kalau jadi mcm dlm movie 'Awake', tiba2 terjaga tengah2 surgery. haha. but unfortunately, it didn't happen. i was sound asleep. siap mimpi lagi, tapi tak ingat pulak mimpi apa. best gila tidur dlm bius. pastu about one hour later, the nurse woke me up. for a split second there, i didn't remember where i was. after my brain gain function, baru la teringat oh, baru habis surgery. i opened my eyes and rasa penat gila. i was wondering mcm ni ke perasannya bila tgh high. rasa terhuyung-hayang. rasa mcm dah bangun, tapi tak boleh bukak mata. mcm baru bangun tidur, tapi mengantuk lagi. oh and, sejuk nak mampos! menggigil rasanya. i think the anesthesia kot yg buat rasa mcm tu. plus the air-cond lagi.

after a while, the anesthesia wore off. rasa nak tidur lagi, tapi tak boleh dah. kenapa la dia kejut tadi, nak tidur dah tak best dah. so i just lie in bed waiting to be less loopy so i could go home. after seven hours at the hospital, i was ready to go. i walked through the hospital, and it was lunch time. and nama pun university hospital, so ramai la students berkeliaran. how to know if they're students? mereka akan pakai lab coat dan pakai bag sambil pegang buku. and then i see doctors with different colours of stethoscope. ada stethoscope warna pink! oh, and ada Secret Recipe dalam hospital. lek je. ramai pulak tu org makan kat situ - of course, hospital kan penuh dengan orang kaya.

it was nice to actually see the idea of myself becoming one of those doctors walking around. now my ambition will not be because of watching house and grey's anatomy anymore, but because i lived through it. i'll be back in six years, and not be the one on the operating table. i have to write this down so that when the time comes and it gets rough where i'll probably want to give up... i'll be reminded of this day - the day when i realised i belong at the hospital.






ps : the incision of the surgery is still in bandage. i can't wait to open it and see the stitches.

hmm

dah lama dah tak update blog.
ok lah, bye.

old age

you wanna know what causes stress? LIFE. the one thing that is on my mind right now is money. isn't it just sad to live in a world knowing everything you do or have accomplished are determined by how much money you have. being smart is not enough, being healthy is not enough, being you is not enough. yes, you can say having lots of money doesn't guarantee happiness, and that you can live out of love, you can start a successful business and be Donald Trump from having nothing and bla bla. but those people are like what, the 10% of the world population?... what if you fall in that other 90?

how many students drop out of college from shortage of money? sorry i don't have the statistics here, but i'm guessing, a lot. doesn't it break your heart to know the only thing that stands in your way between you and success is money? with economy like this, the living expenses, you wouldn't survive even if you're a genius. there are so many smart people out there. you're just a needle in a hay stack.

doesn't it bother you that the future generation will be worse? my teenage children will have to worry about the same thing i am thinking now. i guess this is why i hate growing up. there's so much things to think about. i'm not even working yet, and my head already filled with money problems. i'm not even enrolled into college yet for that matter. money sounds too grown up for me. i don't think i'm ready.

if i could have one wish, i wish i could go back in time. not to undo things, not to fix any problems... but to just enjoy life. i would go back in time when i was 5 years old or so, when i don't know how to count money, when i have nothing on my mind, when i look up the sky... i'm amazed how birds could fly.

oh, come on!

i knew i'll never hear the end of it. that's why i knew i shouldn't be thrilled. it wasn't enough, i know. i can't be mad, i don't regret. i'm just... stupefied. whatever that means.

but when i look at them, all of them, i just wanna say i'm sorry... but i'm not. it's what it is, i refuse to feel guilty.

so err, i'm sorry i'm not sorry...?

ps : today would probably be the fifth, or sixth time i eat one of these, in my life.
yes, i counted. so what?

i call it idiocrasy

lately, i haven't had any lovey-dovey feeling left in me. zero. nothing. i'm at the highest level of cynicism right now. anything that resembles love, grosses me out.

when watching romantics movies, i used to smile the whole way and i'll say 'awww' at the end of it when they live happily ever after. and if they don't, i'll be sympathetic and probably cry over it.
but now, when i'm watching, i'll have this look -_- throughout the movie and when it's finished i'll say 'tu je ke? ek eleh'.

i'm not a fan of love songs anymore. i used to listen tentatively and go deep into the lyrics, and imagine the songs were written based on my life. now, i listen to the music in the background rather than the lyrics. i'm focused more on the piano or the guitar or the drums or the strings than the singer itself. for lyrics that i listened to, most of the time i'll say 'heh, takde la best sangat'.

if i hear people tell stories about their love life, how they miss or love their significant other, i'll have this smirk face in my heart and have this kind of choked laugh and say 'haha, kids nowadays'. or if i read somewhere, a blog for instance, that talk about these touchy-feely stuff, i would be reading with this face -_- and say 'eww, apahal gedik sangat?'

but of course, my cynicism is only in my head. i don't go around telling people how idiotic they sound to their faces. am i maturing?... to the state where i can say 'they're young, they'll learn'? or am i going backwards?... to when a little kid hears the word love, she just wanna say 'yuckk'?

what the fret is wrong with me? i'm enjoying this for now... but i'm sure someday i'll miss the-more-vulnerable me.



.

Just when you thought.

Life is actually pretty funny, when you give it a chance.
In fact, I'm laughing right now, in my heart.
I know you can't remain happy for too long, or you might jinx it.

But can I just enjoy it while it lasts? please?





ps : thank you.

sleep on it

'All that chasing and running, chasing and running, chasing and running, who needs it. When i met my wife, it was easy breezy from day one. Love shouldn't be hard...

But what do I know. I've only been married for 65 years.'

- from some old man on some tv series- :)

what i once feared

alternate

I was the one who said goodbye
I did.
I sat on the pavement while you fly
Oh yes I did.

Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You came back around.
The only way to really know was to really let it go
And you came back
to me.

I was the first to let it go
But I knew
I knew if you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I knew I've got to let them go

I washed away
I washed away everything till you come home to me


Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You came back around.
The only way to really know was to really let it go
And you came back
to me.



now i know, maybe.. just maybe, i don't really want you back.



.

HAHAHA!

i was cleaning my room the other day. books, clothes, everything was everywhere. as i was rearranging them all, i picked up my old school bag pack. i used the bag almost 3 years ago. hardly ever touched it since. i thought "what the hey, let's clean the inside of the bag too". i opened every zip, took out every rubbish i left in there. as i thought i was done, i saw there was a hidden pocket inside.

"that's weird. never knew it existed. a pocket inside a pocket, that's funny". i opened it, and there it was - a white paper folded neatly. looked like a letter. filled with curiousity, i unfolded it gently and read it. the letter dated ?/3/2007 and at the bottom, it was signed by you.

right after i finish reading it, i felt like crying, smiling, jumping, my heart was racing. but instead, all i did was screamed, "WHAAAAAT?!". without hesitation, i grabbed my sweater, stepped out and ran to your house. yes.. i ran. i didn't grabbed the phone to call you, or wait till tomorrow, but i ran to your house at 10 pm at night.

as i reached your house, i knocked on the door. after 3 knocks, you opened. with a surprise look on your face, as if to say 'what are you doing here? why are you all sweaty?' you just kept quiet and look at me. with my eyes almost crying, i showed you the letter. your face changed immediately, as if to say 'oh'. without any real dialogue between us, without anyone saying anything, the first thing that came out of my mouth was...

... "if it's any consolation, if i have found this three years ago, on the right time and day, i would have said...












... 'i love you too'..".

the other side of a cynic

i told you i hate rejection. i can't handle it. i don't know how.

whether rejecting or being rejected, it just fell out of my expertise. an incident involving rejection just happened to me recently (30 minutes ago to be exact), and now i'm a mess. rasa mcm nak nangis pun ada tp nasib baik i hear myself saying 'apahal nak nangis pulak tiba2? ngeng'. so, air mata tak jadi nak keluar. i need to get myself together. mcm mana nak berjaya dlm hidup ni? hish.

now i know, i have a fear of rejection. it's a phobia. it's like an illness. is there a scientific name for it?




ps : i'm sooooooo sorry. very very. :(



oh yeah, by the way, i wasn't rejected. i was rejecting.

Alhamdulillah

perghh. tak pernah pernah aku menangis depan org, tiba2 tadi boleh nangis sampai tersedu-sedu pulak. lek je. tapi that was exactly how i felt, nak tahan mcm mana. mesti org nampak org ingat aku tgh gembira. lek je org datang peluk peluk aku ckp congrats senyum senyum. hati aku tgh hancur lebur mereka boleh senyum pulak. takpe, mereka tidak tahu.

ataupun mesti org nampak org ingat 'ape budak ni, dapat result bagus pun nak nangis, gedik gile'. i'm sorry to the people who weren't as fortunate as me to see me like that. aku ada expectations aku sendiri, ada aim aku sendiri. it didn't go the way i wanted. seperti kata baem 'kau, kau. aku, aku.'

tapi aku tetap bersyukur. Alhamdulillah. banyak surprises ada dlm slip aku tu. the ones i wanted to be high, turned low. and the ones i expected to be low, went high. oh akaun ku, i love you.. but i will never attempt to learn you anymore. i literally went crazy struggling with akaun. gile dog aku cakap. and now, it pays. from fail to A... (dah lama teringin nak ckp mcmtu)

i don't regret anything, not even one bit. kalau aku boleh patah balik masa, buat balik spm, i wouldn't change a thing. aku berpuas hati dgn semua usaha aku. sgt berpuas hati. takpelah, kalau dah ini yg ditakdirkan untuk aku, aku terima. (well, maybe not yet) kalau dah setiap minit air mata rasa mcm nak keluar, nak buat mcm mana. i can't lie to myself. sekarang aku nak habiskan dulu kesedihan. maybe esok esok nanti baru aku boleh terima la kot.

i expect nothing less than the best from myself. gile cakap besar, kan. takpe.. kau, kau. aku, aku.


8A's Alhamdulillah

i said, dance! you fool

okay birthday dah lepas. hihi

it was as expected. nothing much. tapi yg peliknya yesterday i was extra moody, extra angry, extra gloomy, extra somber, apa lagi adjective yg negative? aku bangun extra early, tapi lepastu tidur balik then bangun balik extra lambat. bengong. i tried to act normal, try to treat it like it was like any other day, tapi tak boleh gak. mesti nak extra jgk. apahal tah. bermasalah dgn diri sendiri.

tapi nasib baik the last few hours before the day ended aku mcm dah normal sikit. mcm a werewolf yg nak turn into a human balik, slowly but surely. and then today i am healed, completely. tiba tiba je harini dah okay. like i said, it was the day that made me like that. kalau hari semalam tak ber-title 'hari jadi' mesti aku tak mcmtu. haih. birthday, birthday.. can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

anyway. dear birthday, you didn't work this year. sorry. try again later, okay? next year maybe?




ps : i know these last two posts have been weird. yg before this was extra weird. i don't usually write like that, i never in fact. sorry, amira. i was influenced by other bloggers out there. thought i might try. turn out to be funny. it was a one time thing. i swear.

apa itu lapan belas?

birthday dah nak dekat. haih

serious, aku takde semangat untuk celebrate ataupun untuk excited. tak tau kenapa. apa masalah aku? kalau tahun tahun lepas, sebulan sebelum tu aku dah countdown hari dah. 2 bulan sebelum pun penah kot. walaupun takde la apa yg best pun jadi time birthday tu. tapi entah la, birthdays used to be important to me, i'm a sentimental sucker. i'm not kidding you.

baru tadi kwn aku tanya sesuatu pasal hari ahad ni. pastu dgn selambanya aku tanya balik 'kenapa dgn hari ahad?'. serious doh aku tak terfikir pun dia tgh cakap psl birthday aku. lepas dah realised aku terkejut dgn diri sendiri. takkan pernah terjadi mcmni kalau tahun tahun lepas. aku tak ingat birthday aku sendiri? what? ok, bukanla tak ingat, cuma tak masuk otak sgt.

ada beberapa sebab yg mungkin menyebabkan perkara ini berlaku. iaitu:
1 aku takut untuk grow up. rasa mcm 18 tu terlalu besar digitnya. terlalu byk responsibility. i want to stay kid-dish.
2 sekolah dah habis. rindu suasana riang ria ramai org di pagi birthday. ataupun hari selepas birthday. whatever works. rindu boleh act gila gila and have a smile all day.
3 and the biggest reason of all... last year was the best birthday...ever?

last year. sedih bila teringat. nothing can beat that. and i mean NOTHING. kalau aku bagitau apa yg best sgt tu mesti org tergelak. org akan cakap 'huh? apa tu? tak best pun'. yes, takde apa pun yg perlu di-hype-kan. cuma aku rasa best. it was perfect, in my own way. perfect gift, perfect weather, perfect week, perfect way to start, perfect way to end, etc etc.

so maybe aku takut this year is going to disappoint. sebab aku tau it will. tu la, last year dah meletakkan standard too high. tahun lain tak boleh nak beat. jangan la datang, birthday. jangan laa. boleh tak dunia skip satu hari? sabtu... tiba2 dah hari isnin. kan best?

haih. apa nak jadi ni? *suara ibu sedang memarahi anaknya*

tapi takpe, i'm hoping for a miracle. tiba2 birthday tahun ni jadi da bomb. haha, lawak pulak memikirkannya. takkan, amira, takkan.
jauh dlm hati (jauh sesangat sangat jauhnya), aku masih mengharap.



ps: birthday aku 7 mac, hari ahad akan datang. hari ni hari jumaat. sangat 'joyous' cara aku menunggunya. ok thanks.

Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I really think you should look again.
- qoute from 5oo Days Of Summer


dah look again dah.
yes, it seems different.

word of the month, 'maybe'

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye,
but I will
I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly,
but I will
Oh yes I will

Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back
to me

I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know
I know
I know if you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
The only way to really know is to really let it go

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
And I'm gonna wash away
I'm gonna wash away everything till you come home to me

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
The only way to really know is to really let it go

drunk

people say you have to be strong to get through life. have tough skin to be out there. and i have been. maybe even a little too tough. but rejection after rejection after rejection,


...sometimes i think i'm dead inside.

David Sedaris

just finished a book called 'Me Talk Pretty One Day' by David Sedaris. it took me almost a month to finish this. what was my problem? lama gilaa. and this is the only book i've read this holiday. ish. i should've finished at least 4 by now. entah la, maybe i don't the time (cehh). so okay, here's the thing about this book

this is not the kind of book i'll pick up at a book store, let alone buy it. sbb the cover and the title sounds like a chick flick and i don't read chick flicks. they say don't judge a book by it's cover, but i do. well.. i judge it more to the title. so i guess that's fine. my sister gave it to me, she flew it from the US. literally.so bila dah dapat free free tu, baca je laa. the reviews said it's funny, so i say what the heck, let's give it a try.

so then i did. finished yesterday. no, it's not what i thought it was. and shall i say, man, it is funny! hands down, the funniest book i've read. i'm a tough judge though. but this book cracked me up in almost every chapter. i didn't want it to end. but the thing that really hooked me was the writing. i love the way this man writes. the sentences, the structures,the phrases, the anecdotes, they were perfect.. to me, at least. i realised as i was reading, the way he writes is the same way i write! woop! we're the same!

of course i'm not as great as he is, but if i were to pursue my studies in english writing, if i were to become an author, that is exactly how i would be writing and this is the exact kind of book i would write for my first publish. it's like i found my future 'me'. haha. although it didn't win an award or anything, like the Pulitzer or such, but it surprises me that i really enjoyed it. this book is not a fiction, it's more like a rough autobiography with an odd arrangement. i guess that's why i like it so much, because it's weird.

if i tell anyone with a good sense in reading that i like David Sedaris, they'll probably laugh at me. i mean he's no Faulkner or Salinger, i know. but he's me. this book is not a masterpiece or a big deal, he's just another writer. so to Mr. Sedaris : eventhough you have a low IQ, i still think you're a genius (haha inside joke). and now you're officially my favourite writer.

so i'm recommending this book not just because it's wildly entertaining, but because i won't be writing any book any time soon, or later. so this is like a preview of how my book would be like if i choose this career. go read it. i hope it'll give you a perspective just like it has given me.


sorry ter-meleret. i can't help. tak boleh la tulis pendek2. it's habit.

.

joker

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

"Going out?" I called to them.

"No," said the man. "Just friends."




George Tobin, Reader's Digest.

close your eyes, breath in, then breath out

i went to sunway pyramid the other day. tgk sherlock holmes. best gilak! kenapa ada org ckp tak best? crazy -_- lepastu jln2 tanpa tujuan. bosan lah. and penat berjalan.

lepastu it was time to go home. papa picked me up and drove us home. i love driving home. it's the ride that soothes me. i don't like the going-to ride, it's the coming-back-from ride i always long for. i never understood why people hate traffic jam, why they're stressed by it. i mean, i get it if you're late for work or in a rush or something. but if you're going back home in the evening, traffic jam is my favourite. haha. call me crazy, but people should like it too. it's nature's way of giving you time to waste. so savour it while it lasts. tapi haritu takde traffic jam sgt pun.

we were driving and the weather is just perfect. walaupun agak panas sikit. the sun was shining like it always does every evening, the trees, the sky, aaaah. kalau going-to ride selalu nak cepat, nak kejar masa, nak tgk movie, nak pegi mkn la, nak tu la, ni la. tapi bila balik, setelah penat seharian berjalan, rasa mcm ala..cepat la nak balik, nak tido. but once i got into the car and the engine is starting, the feeling goes away. bila tgk jalan raya, bila rasa cahaya matahari memancar ke muka, rasa happy. and we're not in a rush anymore, sampai rmh pukul berapa pun tak kisah, traffic jam lama gila pun takpe. sebab ada satu perasaan yg tak boleh di-explain.

some people like the beach, some people like the mountains, but i, i love driving through the highway. sebab beaches and mountains kena pegi jauh2 dulu baru boleh dpt, kena pergi holiday baru best. tapi highway you can have everyday. so why not take advantage of something people always took for granted. although it was not me who were driving, but by just sitting in the car, it took my mind away from everything. it's like all the problems in the world just disappeared in that one ride. you can feel the sun shines through the window, with nothing awaits you but the the clouds up front.

i'm not just talking about that one particular day, though. it's everyday, at least the days when i go out.i will always get perkier, more excited, happier, and crazier in the ride home. because it will always be the highlight of my day. i will sing a long with the radio out loud, embracing the scenery as i go. walaupun takde la lawa sgt pun scenery nya. mcm biasa je la, selangor -_- i've read somewhere about the things you should do before you die - drive through the highways of new york as the sun was rising. whoaa. i can imagine that, because i can totally understand what it will feels like. with a breathtaking view, - sangat contenting. dkt malaysia ni pun dah soothing, apa lagi somewhere out there. i'd like to do that one day, driving aimlessly.

anyway, i don't know why i like so much. i mean, i don't just like it. i loveeee it. not in the morning as it's too early for me, hehe, always is. and not in the afternoon either, it's too hot. always, always, in the evening. i gotta feeling i'm gonna like driving one day, as in myself behind the wheel, with nothing but the radio. the sun pouring its orange light, looking straight ahead, i see the blue sky filled with milky clouds. around me, i see cars with happy people in it. and i, singing a long with whoever on the radio, hentam the lyrics if i have to. and then senyum sorang sorang. perfect.


nowadays i write with no content and lack of structures. inilah akibatnya tak pergi sekolah -_-
chow.