tell the world that i'm coming home

i'll be boarding the plane in 2 days. i'm super duper extremely seriously can't wait.

but in the middle of my excitement, i thought to myself -

if i had to give reasons not to go back, what would it be?

in other words, what would i miss the most about being here?

in another words, what makes this place better than home?

first, it would be my face. dekat sini muka licin, no pimples whatsoever. i know that is so superficial of me, but i'm amazed. dgn byk habuk, debu apa semua, tak cuci muka pun still no sign of acne. kalau kat malaysia, hah.

second, my overly-sensitive nose. kalau kat malaysia, if there is drastic change of temperature, mesti bersin. habuk sikit, bersin. bangun tido, bersin. sehari bersin 100 times kot. but over here, sensitivity, GONE.

third, and most importantly, my relationship with Allah swt feels so much stronger. i feel so much closer. prayers are easily answered, love is easily felt, and i'm humbled.

SubhanAllah, i guess it's true. this is bumi barakah.

cairo-alexandria-zagazig-Malaysia!

my friends and i went for a little road trip this holiday (walaupun tak la mcm road trip sgt pun, but oh well). it was a vacation to remember.

it was the kind that was so tiring because you have to walk everywhere.

it was the kind that you get lost and had to call people asking for directions saying 'erm, aku pun taktau aku kat mana ni'

and then laughing at ourselves because the place we were looking for was actually 2 lorong away.

it was the kind that most of your money is spent on transportations

because you don't know how to take buses or anything else other than taxis.

it was the kind that at the end of everyday, you are soaking wet and your face all greasy because the weather was too hot.

it was the kind that you got so tired that you got cranky and just want so slap people in the face.

it was the kind that you don't know what these local people are talking about.

it was the kind that you didn't pack your things enough and you go 'uh oh'.

but despite all the hardship,

i met a lot of people that i would've never thought i would meet,

i went to lot of places that you just wanna go uuu.. aaa..,

i witnessed different cultures, i saw different things.

imagine travelling along the rivers, the villages, the sands, the sky, the sunset..

penat mcm mana pun, you can't help but smile.

this is my kind of vacation.

ps: nak backpacking around europe eh, amal? bring it on!

Alhamdulillah (part 2)

remember part 1? hehe

when it comes to my studies, insecurity is my middle name. when i look at these people around me, i can't help but thinking that i can never be like them. how they strive, act, carry themselves is totally different from my way. i'm everything they're not.

but looking at my result for the exam recently, i'm glad i got what i got. at least i know i did something right. it's not that i didn't believe in myself, because i did. i had to. i wouldn't get through if didn't. i stick to every plan i made, but i had to keep questioning 'is it bulletproof?'

i started this year with zero confidence. now every compliment i received put a smile on my face, every 'congratulations!' means a lot. it gives me a little faith. and a little can do so much.

i can officially say, Alhamdulillah i have survived the first year as a medical student. as hard as it may have been, i never question my love for it.

i'm more than happy to be starting the second year in october. wish me the best.

crash

on the 2nd july, around 8.45 am (2.45 pm malaysia), 4 of my friends and i had an accident.

mcm ni ceritanya, kami berlima bersiap siap utk pergi oral histology exam yg start pukul 9am. keluar rumah dlm 8.30 mcmtu, and 1 of my friends suggested we take a taxi sebab dia tak larat nak jalan pagi tu. normally, i wouldn't agree to that since i was on a losing-weight-process where i would prefer to walk whenever possible. but i noticed we were running a bit late, so i agreed anyway.

maka naik la taxi kami berlima. sorang kat depan, 4 berhimpit kat belakang. on the way there, suddenly a car came towards our right side and BOOM! hitting the taxi exactly at the passenger door. my friend, yg duduk betul2 tepi pintu tu got the worst hit. she couldn't move, pinggang dia terhimpit dgn pintu yg remuk selepas dilanggar. i was on the other end, sebelah pintu belah kiri, terhantuk kepala kat cermin kuat gila.

but no, at the moment of the crash, there was no 'life flashing before your eyes', no death thoughts, at least not for me. i didn't even remember what i was thinking in those seconds before the hit. i was probably termenung kosong je kot.

to make story short, 2 of my friends sakit pinggang and sakit belakang. then ambulans came (i didn't even know who called, tiba2 je ambulans muncul). we went to the hospital, my friends did x-rays and ultrasounds, and Alhamdulillah, they were fine. we all were fine. after the hospital, we went to the police station. of course we didn't understand anything they were saying, so we just stood there and wait till everything is finished.

remember i was hit in the head? so yeah, the whole time i was dizzy to the hizzy. takut gila kalau concussion ke apa. i even told my friend 'kalau tiba2 aku pengsan kejap lagi, bersedia tau'. it was the worst headache. rasa mcm kepala kena pukul dgn baseball bat. so after the hospital and the police station, we went to the exam anyway. haha haa hardcore ke tak hardcore kitorang ni. sbb our lecturer tak bagi postpone the exam, but we can be late. so pegi la jugak.

jawab la exam jugak dgn pening2, sakit2 semua. it was an oral je, it just took a few minutes je pun. then, we went home. i took a rest, slept and i was fine. my 2 friends are getting better, dah boleh jalan mcm biasa dah, walaupun sakit2 sikit. the others pun ok. Alhamdulillah, it could've gone worse, but it didn't.

so that's the story of how we, the first malaysians in Zagazig got into an accident. the worst part is, now everybody knows about it. every classmate, every batchmate, every senior, everyone lah. so we're gonna be the popular kids now. hahaha. for awhile.

i know this is out of the blue, but

after approximately 2 months we hadn't spoken to each other..

me: hello
you: hello
me: hi, cuba teka ni sape.
you: amiraaaaaa! aaaahh!
me: hahaha
.......
someone in the backgroud: macam mane kau tau tu dia?
you: tau la. suara dia unik.


the best welcome-home cheer. if i weren't able to talk to you again in the next 4 months, heck, even a year.. i think i can survive, with just this memory. :)


p/s: i can never be too late right? happy belated birthday. i love you dearly, my friend.

*insert laughing emoticon

i miss them.

sometimes i can be this crazy

i wanna wish you a very happy birthday. and may your next birthday mean something to me too.
hihi *wink wink nudge nudge

hahahaha

hello

i can see someone keep coming to my blog.
hi there.
apa kata leave a comment once in a while?
thank you for reading.

20:10.20.10.2010

on 20.10.2010, around pukul 20:10 (betul, tak tipu. actually tak ingat exactly pukul berapa. tapi lebih kurang la)




at 20:10 on 20.10.2010, i shed tears for the first time since i've been here. and i've been here for exactly one month and a day. and no, it wasn't planned. at all.





i thought i could last longer than a month, but i guess i'm not that strong after all. sebelum ni selamba je, takde feeling langsung. tiba2 boom! and i blame the internet. rasanya kalau i kena campak kat deserted island for years without any connection pun boleh bertahan kot. technologies can be detrimental.




tapi takpe, the tears showed that i'm still human. not the cynical-dead inside-robot i'd always thought i was. though it did take some time, i'm glad to know that i'm still fragile.





please don't tell me you miss me. because of course, i miss you ten times more.

Despite

despite that i'm far away from home,
despite that i'm surrounded by the the people and the things that aren't 'me',
despite that i've gained weight (a lot),
despite that i got bitten by insects sampai my skin berbintik2 byk gile kalah chicken pox,
despite that i'm slightly intimidated by other people's way of studying,
despite the fact that the guy i have a crush on still doesn't know i exist,
despite that this place is not as what i imagined,
despite that i'm surrounded by smelly garbage everywhere,
despite that i'm on the verge of dehydration,
despite that i miss everything back home,
despite that sometimes i even miss myself,


as of this moment right now, i am happy.
because despite every terrible thing that occured, there are much greater things that came along with them.



.

the one significant sentence i could ever say to myself or to any other,
the only thing that can hit me like no other things i've said ever did,
the only words i can let out when no other words i can imagine would be enough,
the sentence i express only when it truly came from the core of my heart,
is

I'll try harder.

Love

i went to the hospital yesterday to undergo a surgery. surgery apa jgn tanya. jgn risau, minor surgery je, no biggie. hospital tu nama dia University Hospital, Kuala Lumpur. tapi yg peliknya bukan dia dekat Petaling Jaya ke? Petaling Jaya tu KL ke? ok soalan bangang, let's move on.

i'm not very familiar with hospitals, to tell you the truth. i can't even remember the last time i went to one. all i know was the last time i had a surgery was when i was six years old, when i broke my arm. even then, i was too young to remember anything. so when i went there yesterday, i was in awe. selama ni tgk hospital dlm tv je, dlm grey's anatomy and house. i was excited to see all those different departments. ada mcm2 jenis clinic - pediatric, gynecology, orthopedic, psychiatric (this is a scary one). i know i sound insane, mcm org batak gile. but looking at the surroundings, the people, the life, i fell in love. actually i was in love dah lama dah, i've been going to checkups since May. but yesterday, i fell deeper.

before the surgery, the nurse had to stick a needle at the back of my hand for the fluids and anesthesia. i remember thinking 'besarnya jarum, boleh ke cucuk. mesti kena tonyoh- tonyoh ni'. but nasib baik tak, relax je dia cucuk. sakit la jugak, but not bad. i was so fascinated, i actually watched the needle going under my skin into my vein. then it was time to go to the operating room. as i walked in, there was the operating table, all the machines, i was like 'whoa cool, mcm grey's anatomy!' and in there, there was two medic students waiting to observe the procedure. diorang mcm budak2 takut2 je. rasa nak je cakap 'apasal la takut2? korang nak jadi doktor lah. confident la sikit' (cey cey).

so i was lying there, wearing an oxygen mask, my body filled with wires. i was breathing pure oxygen.. so refreshing. then doktor bius tu pun inject the anesthesia at the back of my hand. dia cakap 'ni sakit sikit, tahan eh'. so yeah, memang sakit pun, but nothing that i can't handle. i literally can feel it running trough my veins. and the next thing i know, i was asleep. tak perasan pun bila i closed my eyes. i was actually hoping for kalau jadi mcm dlm movie 'Awake', tiba2 terjaga tengah2 surgery. haha. but unfortunately, it didn't happen. i was sound asleep. siap mimpi lagi, tapi tak ingat pulak mimpi apa. best gila tidur dlm bius. pastu about one hour later, the nurse woke me up. for a split second there, i didn't remember where i was. after my brain gain function, baru la teringat oh, baru habis surgery. i opened my eyes and rasa penat gila. i was wondering mcm ni ke perasannya bila tgh high. rasa terhuyung-hayang. rasa mcm dah bangun, tapi tak boleh bukak mata. mcm baru bangun tidur, tapi mengantuk lagi. oh and, sejuk nak mampos! menggigil rasanya. i think the anesthesia kot yg buat rasa mcm tu. plus the air-cond lagi.

after a while, the anesthesia wore off. rasa nak tidur lagi, tapi tak boleh dah. kenapa la dia kejut tadi, nak tidur dah tak best dah. so i just lie in bed waiting to be less loopy so i could go home. after seven hours at the hospital, i was ready to go. i walked through the hospital, and it was lunch time. and nama pun university hospital, so ramai la students berkeliaran. how to know if they're students? mereka akan pakai lab coat dan pakai bag sambil pegang buku. and then i see doctors with different colours of stethoscope. ada stethoscope warna pink! oh, and ada Secret Recipe dalam hospital. lek je. ramai pulak tu org makan kat situ - of course, hospital kan penuh dengan orang kaya.

it was nice to actually see the idea of myself becoming one of those doctors walking around. now my ambition will not be because of watching house and grey's anatomy anymore, but because i lived through it. i'll be back in six years, and not be the one on the operating table. i have to write this down so that when the time comes and it gets rough where i'll probably want to give up... i'll be reminded of this day - the day when i realised i belong at the hospital.






ps : the incision of the surgery is still in bandage. i can't wait to open it and see the stitches.

hmm

dah lama dah tak update blog.
ok lah, bye.

old age

you wanna know what causes stress? LIFE. the one thing that is on my mind right now is money. isn't it just sad to live in a world knowing everything you do or have accomplished are determined by how much money you have. being smart is not enough, being healthy is not enough, being you is not enough. yes, you can say having lots of money doesn't guarantee happiness, and that you can live out of love, you can start a successful business and be Donald Trump from having nothing and bla bla. but those people are like what, the 10% of the world population?... what if you fall in that other 90?

how many students drop out of college from shortage of money? sorry i don't have the statistics here, but i'm guessing, a lot. doesn't it break your heart to know the only thing that stands in your way between you and success is money? with economy like this, the living expenses, you wouldn't survive even if you're a genius. there are so many smart people out there. you're just a needle in a hay stack.

doesn't it bother you that the future generation will be worse? my teenage children will have to worry about the same thing i am thinking now. i guess this is why i hate growing up. there's so much things to think about. i'm not even working yet, and my head already filled with money problems. i'm not even enrolled into college yet for that matter. money sounds too grown up for me. i don't think i'm ready.

if i could have one wish, i wish i could go back in time. not to undo things, not to fix any problems... but to just enjoy life. i would go back in time when i was 5 years old or so, when i don't know how to count money, when i have nothing on my mind, when i look up the sky... i'm amazed how birds could fly.

oh, come on!

i knew i'll never hear the end of it. that's why i knew i shouldn't be thrilled. it wasn't enough, i know. i can't be mad, i don't regret. i'm just... stupefied. whatever that means.

but when i look at them, all of them, i just wanna say i'm sorry... but i'm not. it's what it is, i refuse to feel guilty.

so err, i'm sorry i'm not sorry...?

ps : today would probably be the fifth, or sixth time i eat one of these, in my life.
yes, i counted. so what?

i call it idiocrasy

lately, i haven't had any lovey-dovey feeling left in me. zero. nothing. i'm at the highest level of cynicism right now. anything that resembles love, grosses me out.

when watching romantics movies, i used to smile the whole way and i'll say 'awww' at the end of it when they live happily ever after. and if they don't, i'll be sympathetic and probably cry over it.
but now, when i'm watching, i'll have this look -_- throughout the movie and when it's finished i'll say 'tu je ke? ek eleh'.

i'm not a fan of love songs anymore. i used to listen tentatively and go deep into the lyrics, and imagine the songs were written based on my life. now, i listen to the music in the background rather than the lyrics. i'm focused more on the piano or the guitar or the drums or the strings than the singer itself. for lyrics that i listened to, most of the time i'll say 'heh, takde la best sangat'.

if i hear people tell stories about their love life, how they miss or love their significant other, i'll have this smirk face in my heart and have this kind of choked laugh and say 'haha, kids nowadays'. or if i read somewhere, a blog for instance, that talk about these touchy-feely stuff, i would be reading with this face -_- and say 'eww, apahal gedik sangat?'

but of course, my cynicism is only in my head. i don't go around telling people how idiotic they sound to their faces. am i maturing?... to the state where i can say 'they're young, they'll learn'? or am i going backwards?... to when a little kid hears the word love, she just wanna say 'yuckk'?

what the fret is wrong with me? i'm enjoying this for now... but i'm sure someday i'll miss the-more-vulnerable me.



.

Just when you thought.

Life is actually pretty funny, when you give it a chance.
In fact, I'm laughing right now, in my heart.
I know you can't remain happy for too long, or you might jinx it.

But can I just enjoy it while it lasts? please?





ps : thank you.

sleep on it

'All that chasing and running, chasing and running, chasing and running, who needs it. When i met my wife, it was easy breezy from day one. Love shouldn't be hard...

But what do I know. I've only been married for 65 years.'

- from some old man on some tv series- :)

what i once feared

alternate

I was the one who said goodbye
I did.
I sat on the pavement while you fly
Oh yes I did.

Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You came back around.
The only way to really know was to really let it go
And you came back
to me.

I was the first to let it go
But I knew
I knew if you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I knew I've got to let them go

I washed away
I washed away everything till you come home to me


Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You came back around.
The only way to really know was to really let it go
And you came back
to me.



now i know, maybe.. just maybe, i don't really want you back.



.

HAHAHA!

i was cleaning my room the other day. books, clothes, everything was everywhere. as i was rearranging them all, i picked up my old school bag pack. i used the bag almost 3 years ago. hardly ever touched it since. i thought "what the hey, let's clean the inside of the bag too". i opened every zip, took out every rubbish i left in there. as i thought i was done, i saw there was a hidden pocket inside.

"that's weird. never knew it existed. a pocket inside a pocket, that's funny". i opened it, and there it was - a white paper folded neatly. looked like a letter. filled with curiousity, i unfolded it gently and read it. the letter dated ?/3/2007 and at the bottom, it was signed by you.

right after i finish reading it, i felt like crying, smiling, jumping, my heart was racing. but instead, all i did was screamed, "WHAAAAAT?!". without hesitation, i grabbed my sweater, stepped out and ran to your house. yes.. i ran. i didn't grabbed the phone to call you, or wait till tomorrow, but i ran to your house at 10 pm at night.

as i reached your house, i knocked on the door. after 3 knocks, you opened. with a surprise look on your face, as if to say 'what are you doing here? why are you all sweaty?' you just kept quiet and look at me. with my eyes almost crying, i showed you the letter. your face changed immediately, as if to say 'oh'. without any real dialogue between us, without anyone saying anything, the first thing that came out of my mouth was...

... "if it's any consolation, if i have found this three years ago, on the right time and day, i would have said...












... 'i love you too'..".